3/14/07, HD-Day: a day that will live in infamy (for me)

The question has been lingering for days now: Where the hell is he?

Only 1 post since Friday (not counting the one I deleted) from a blog that normally cranks out 1-3 posts per day has had many friends, family members & loyal readers (what do you mean they are all one in the same?) frantically pondering the fate of the TBBostonian.

Fear not, my trusty followers, I am back to dispel the myths surrounding my disappearance and assure you that all is well here at the worldwide headquarters, although I was quite troubled to learn what some of my readers believed happened to me; some of the theories floating around included:

• I ditched my "normal" life to become a member of Sergio Garcia's globe-trotting mantourage
• I got nabbed, along with Gary Matthews, Evan(der) (Holy) Field(s) and John Rockhead in that Orlando/HGH bust
• I was secretly called to Los Angeles by Simon Cowell to take replace one of those tone-deaf, beat-boxin' lounge lizards on American Karoake

...or the best one I've heard yet...

• I had already jumped of the Skyway in anticipation of my bracket going up in a ball of flames by midnight Friday

Those were all very good guesses and I greatly appreciate your proposals of support, words of encouragement and generous offers of bail money, but there is a simple, glorious, crystal-clear reason for my extended absence:

I have joined the world of HIGH DEFINITION TELEVISION! (cue the trumpets)

That's right, all those nights kneeling beside my giant, mid-'90s-chic entertainment center and praying that my 36" CRT Sharp behemoth would be replaced by a sleek, slim HD-equipped beauty finally paid off as the TV fairy (a.k.a. my mom) heard my prayers and answered them in a big way. As in 40" Samsung LCD Widescreen monitor big.

Before I go forward into the fairy tale land that is high def television viewing, a.k.a. Man's Garden of Eden, let me backtrack to the events of the past four days and get everyone brought up to speed on what has transpired.

Sunday I attended the PODS Championship and watched world-class golfers like Sergio, Vijay Singh and Chris DiMarco get eaten alive by Innisbrook's unforgiving Copperhead course. Mark Calcavecchia was leading comfortably (3 strokes) late (3 holes to play), but he tried to choke the tourney away on the impossible-to-birdie Par 4 18th; he ended up winning despite bogeying 18 when Heath Slocum's 4-ft par putt hopped out of the cup. We promptly left the course, semi-staggering from a combo of too many Michelob Cool Cans and hours of walking the monstrous course in the warm Florida sunshine, and headed home to watch the selection special.

On the way back I received a call from my wife telling me I needed to drive about 30 minutes in the opposite direction to pick up the HD TV my mom had got us. I know my wife has never smoked crack so I just assumed I was hallucinating and told her I was almost home, we'd talk about it then.

Upon arriving at the homestead I realized that indeed my mother had been generous enough to reward all my years of juvenile delinquency and adult idiocy with a gift from above, as in the set was located in distant Port Richey, about an hour north of my area. Needless to say the next day I hopped in the ride and hightailed it up to the land of rebel flags and monster trucks to claim my new best friend. I then spent the next two days/nights disassembling my ginourmous cabinet and swapping TVs, a task that may have been a bit, shall we say ball-busting, but the end result made all the back-breaking work well worth it.

By 2:00 PM today the installer from Bright House had hooked up my HD DVR cable box and I was instantly transformed from a "has not" to a "has", from a "has-been" to "has been watching anything & everything in high def ever since."

So that's the reason why the gap in my postings. My computer has finished a distant second to my new TV set in the war of affection electronic devices wage with their testosterone-laced owners. But I promise I will get back on my schedule right away.

After I watch stuff like "Comet Collisions" on Discovery HD, "Into the Blue" on Showtime HD, and a gazillion hours of March Madness on CBS HD.

Can I get an amen?!

Thanks, mom!