Friday, February 16, 2007

A night of basketball beatdowns

I just got through watching the NBA's two-headed monster known as the All Star Celebrity Game and the T*Mobile Rookie Challenge and Youth Jam (actual name.) And I think I need medical attention.

Why would I expose myself to 4 hours worth of such defense-free, airball & brick-filled video game level trash? Two reasons:
1.) I have a blog now and it's fun to watch shit like this just to rip it later
2.) My son, whom you'll remember just turned 10, loves this stuff

And what 10-year old kid wouldn't love watching young stars like Nick Cannon, (No More Lil) Bow Wow, Reggie Bush, and LaDanian Crybaby Tomlinson? Unfortunately that meant Dad had to endure watching C-listers like James Denton ("Desperate Housewives"), Jonathan My Career Ended Before it Started Silverman, David Mr. Cox Arquette, not to mention real losers like Carrot Top, Chris Tucker and Jamie Kennedy. Plus one of the coaches was Greg I'll Have Another Anthony and the whole mess was emceed by Stu Left Eye Scott. Oh yeah, and Food Channel great Bobby Flay was on the roster as well. Seriously.

Honest to God I though the wife had slipped me a Peter Pan & jam sandwich because it was like I had passed on and entered purgatory.

Did I mention Vegas dinosaur Wayne Newton was an honorary captain? If Celine Dion had sung the anthem my heart would have exploded on the spot.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

As the "action" progressed the score was like 10-3 West after one quarter and the East looked as bad as Britney Spears after a 3-day bender: airballs, turnovers and enough bricks to please a Colombian cartel leader. Things didn't get much better for the east as Bow Wow scored 6 quick points, blocked a couple of shots, and generally looked like the only one who knew what he was doing out there.

But some guy named Tony Potts , who is a weekend co-anchor on Access Hollywood, stole the show. You know, that Tony Potts. Whoever he is this guy came to play. He was all over the place all night and earned the coveted MVP trophy for his monster 14-point, 8-rebound effort in the West's "impressive" 40-21 victory, a fact that really seemed to aggravate Stu-ya, who was slurping Bow Wow big time by practically asking Potts to give the trophy to him. Potts wouldn't budge, though, and the guy did inspire some of the most entertainment in this otherwise sad night.

We can't believe you won it either, dude

The game was so bad that my son & I played a game of NBA 2K7 on the 360 in the middle of it just to pass the time (even he was appalled at the display being presented to us- numerous times he shouted at the TV "I could've made that shot"- and he was right). Unfortunately I got my ass handed to me in that game just like the East as my son used his new favorite 2K7 team (the Rockets), and his new 3-point weapon (Luther Head) to drub my Magic by 27. Suddenly I felt like David Arquette to his Tony Potts.

Next up was the Rookie/Sophomore game, possibly the only game on the planet where there is less defense played than in the NBA All Star game & the Pro Bowl combined. These kids (and most of them are just that) played such "ole" defense in this thing that thirteen guys scored in double figures, 4 players had over 20 points and one, David Lee of the Knicks, went for 30 on 14-14 shooting; Lee continued the Year of the Gator (not counting Grossman)by earning the MVP award.

The score was 77- 48 Sophs at the half as Lee got off to a smokin' hot 8-8 start on a steady dose of alley oops, layups and walk in baskets. It got to the point he was so money that I said to Drew "this guy is hotter than what's-his-name-Potts." For some reason that set my son & I on a laughing jag for about the next 5 minutes. It was that kind of night. For the rest of the night we kept injecting the phrase "What's His Name Potts" into the game, for instance "get the ball to What's His Name Potts", or "Chris Paul is giving What's His Name Potts a run for the MVP trophy"...

In hindsight I guess it was one of those 'you had to be there' type things.

Anyway the Sophs annihilated the Frosh, 155- 114, and not only did Lee go for 30 & 11 but Chris Paul nearly had a triple-double (16 pts, 17 ass, 9 stls) and little-known Monta Ellis of the Warriors threw down 28, most of them on nasty alley-oops from Paul. The kids were led by littler-known Paul Millsap of the Jazz and Rudy Gay of the Grizz, who both had 22 points.

All in all it was a night of terrifically bad basketball by many involved including the East celebs, the Freshmen stars and my 2K7 Magic team.

At least What's His Name Potts had a nice night.

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