Showing posts with label NBA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NBA. Show all posts

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dwight "Superman" Howard resurrects the dunk contest


Last Saturday night, one (very large, fast & strong) man flew threw the air, threw the ball through the hoop, and singlehandedly made the tired NBA Slam Dunk Contest relevant again.

In 2006 Orlando Magic big man Dwight Howard dazzled absolutely no one (at least not the judges) when he failed to make the semifinals despite placing an NBA logo sticker approximately 12 1/2 feet above the court on the backboard as he dunked.

For this unforeseen feat Howard was promtly told "nice try, but come back next year", partially because no one actually realized what he had done until he grabbed a tape measure to show the crowd the tiny sticker after the dunk was over.

The message sent: Gotta wow 'em with the dunk, not minutes after.

Following a foursome of awesome and never before seen slams, this time it was Howard who sent the message: guess what people, I'm bringing this competition back to the forefront of the sports scene again, so just hop on my cape and enjoy the view.

After warming up with an incredible behind-the-rim stuff in which he bounced the ball off the back of the backboard, then slammed it through with his left hand while his head remained behind the plexiglass barrier, earning a perfect score from the judges and a standing O from the sold out crowd, Howard set the bar back at Jordanian heights with his next, and most memorable, dunk.

First defending champ Gerald Green of the T'Wolves did his best to take the competiton to another level with his "birthday cake" dunk, blowing out a candle on a cupcake that had been placed at the base of the rim before completing his second slam, but soon Howard would upstage the cupcake, the blindfold, and nearly every other dunk that has come before his.

That's when Superman entered the New Orleans arena.

Growing up as an avid NBA fan in Boston, my memories of the dunk contest include Jordan's infamous foul line flight, Spud Webb's miraculous gravity-defying bounds, Dominique's powerful windmills, and Dee Brown's Reebok Pump-fueled blind eyed blast.

Sure there have been some semi-memorable slams over the last decade, most notably Jason Richardson's acrobatic exploits in 2003 & 04, Josh Smith's Spud tribute in 2005 and Vince Carter's Isiah Rider between-the-legs imitation in 2000. But for the most part the last few contests have been watered down by a series of uninspired slams, highlighted by tedious do-overs (this means you, Nate Robinson) and a whole "been there, seen that" vibe.

But what we witnessed on Saturday night not only brought back memories of the good old days, it took the competition into the new milennium by setting a new standard for the future dunkers of America.

After Green's cupcake classic, which any other year might have been good enough to win it all, Howard ditched his Magic jersey to reveal a Superman logoed replacement underneath. And when he doffed a red cape and watched his partner-in-dunks, teammate Jameer Nelson, tape a mark on the court from which he would soar, the entire viewing audienced was abuzz with anticipation of seeing something special.

Needless to say Howard did not disappoint.

With the grace of a gazelle and the power of a pit bull, Howard streaked in from the sideline, took off from just inside the dotted circle, leapt through the sky, errr air, and put the ball threw the hoop with such force that no one seemed to realize that he didn't actually dunk the ball but flung it through the cylinder using sheer ferocity and velocity.

And this time it didn't matter that people had to be shown later what had actually happened.

No, this time Dwight managed to etch his name in the pantheon of the all-time greatest dunkers, so much so that his final two dunks, a spectacular volleyball-esque tap and slam and a playfull mini Magic hoop assisted finale, were rendered moot by the shockwave rippling through the crowd flowing on the tails of Superman's cape.

And now the entire NBA loving culture owes Dwight a big thank you for making something that had been so special and then so sour relevant again.

All in a day's work for the Man of Steel.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

NBA & Celtics fans both lose in this lotto

Portland "earns the top pick in the 2007 NBA Draft; Boston will choose 5th.

In a heart-stopping moment for NBA commissioner David Stern, stud players Greg Oden & Kevin Durant, and the fans of every team in the lottery, the two teams with the highest probability of landing the first pick (Memphis & Boston) wound up with the 4th and 5th picks, respectively, while two seldom-seen West Coast teams (Portland & Seattle) will walk away with the two best players in the college game.

Way to go, NBA.

Not only did the long-suffering fans of Bill Simmons' Celtics lose out on the opportunity to make the once-proud franchise relevant again, but the league lost its two most marketable young talents to the wasteland that is the West Coast.

Sure the Jailblazers and Sonics will now be on TV more than Leave it to Beaver reruns, but the games will still start at 10:30 and end when everyone except bloggers and night watchmen are asleep. For example, the Warriors were a great West Coast story this season, led by a charismatic star and fueled by rabid fans, yet no one knew about them until the middle of the opening round of the playoffs.

Now Stern & the league will go into spin mode, claiming that Oden & Durant will be exposed to the public just as much as every other new star the Association ushers in every year, with plenty of soda ads, sneaker deals and life-sized posters on the side of buildings trumpeting the rise of the new talent in the NBA.

Meanwhile the jilted fans of one of the game's most storied franchises, who have lost more games in three seasons than in the entire Bird era and just re-upped their putrid coach despite his inability to lead, coach or teach, are left to wonder why they should still even watch the game.

If they can just stay up until 1:00 am every other night, maybe they'll find out.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

NBA Playoffs starting to resemble the WWE

If you see this man on the street or outside a strip club at 3:00 am, please run quickly in the opposite direction

Ejections, technicals, suspensions, near-brawls, hip checks into the side boards, bloodied noses, clotheslines, name-calling, finger-pointing and oh yeah, an infamous knee-to-the-groin.

No, this isn't the Stanley Cup playoffs on Versus, it's your 2007 NBA Playoffs on TNT and the ESPN family of networks.

While the Eastern Conference semis (CLE/NJ; DET/CHI) have been about as electrifying as a night lite, the wild, wild Western Conference semis are providing enough entertainment & bloodshed to qualify as a sequel to "300".

The series between the Golden State Warriors and Utah Jazz has ranged from chippy to downright dirty. The culmination of all that jazz came at the end of Game 4, when Baron Davis threw a flying elbow smash to Derek Fisher's dome followed by Jason Richardson clotheslining of Utah's Memhet Okur, a play that nearly incited a riot at Whatever They're Calling it Now Arena.

Curiously, neither player was suspended for their gutless action, but Richardson was tossed from the game.

The Warriors certainly live up to their cinematic namesakes; every game they clang empty Pepsi bottles together off the ends of their fingers as if to say "come out to play" to any team that dare oppose them. If it's not Davis or Richardson defending their turf, it's Stephen "Action" Jackson, a man who never met a shot, or a shotgun, he didn't like, or Mad Matt Barnes, who throws his body around like a bathtowel with a rattail all game long.

I'm gonna miss these guys now that they've been eliminated. Guess I'll have to wait for the sequel.

But just because the Bay Area Badasses have left the building, that doesn't mean the bad blood and cheap shots have to stop. No, the other semi between the Spurs and Suns has gone from bad (Nash's bloody schnozz ) to worse (Bruce Bowen's knee to Nash's nether regions) to worse-er, as a late cheap shot but Robert Horry on Nash (why him?) at the end of Game 4 has resulted in three players being suspended for tonight's critical Game 5 in Phoenix.

Thanks to Cheap Shot Bob's hockey-like hip-check on the Canadian native Nash, Horry will have to sit out two games while Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw of the Suns will each sit one game for leaving the bench in the chaos that ensued.
The fervor over the two Suns having to sit a game for defending their captain is all for naught; the rule book says players cannot leave the bench during an on-court altercation, Stoudamire & Diaw left the bench momentarily to join the fray before being restrained by assistant coaches, therefore they must serve the one-game suspension as the rule dictates.

So as the Warriors season comes to a close the Spurs and Suns are just get heated up. It's now a best-of-three, undermanned war of attrition between the two, and the team with the fewest players eligible and most stitches should win the series.

Just don't pick the team with the player named Cyrus.

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Sunday, April 22, 2007

Set the DVR(s) to Hyperdrive, Mr. Sulu!

Ah, it's a beautiful spring-like April day throughout the country- finally (hey Northeast & Midwest, welcome to the club), but unfortunately for sports/TV junkies like me there's no time to take a stroll on the beach, play with the kids at the park, or catch up on that yardwork.

No, for there is just too much on the tube today & tonight, and the variety of the programming runs the gamut from icy (NHL Playoffs) to hot (Sloan on Entourage), and from irrational (Tony Soprano) to international (Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.)

So buckle up folks, fire up that DVR (or, if you're like me and your wife works for BrightHouse, DVRs) and enjoy what could be one of the best television viewing days in recent memory:

NBA PLAYOFFS: (all game 1s)
12:30- Wizards @ Cavs
3:oo- Lakers @ Suns
7:00- Nuggets @ Spurs
9:30- Warriors @ Mavs

Four first round games are on tap for this fisrt Sunday of the playoffs, starting with LeBron James and the Cavs taking on the Wizards at 12:30 and ending with the Mavs latest drive for that elusive title against the Warriors (!) at 9:30. In between we get to see if Kobe can lead the Lakers to an upset of Steve Nash's Suns, and then after dinner we follow Tim Duncan as he tries not to laugh his way out of the game against Carmelo Anthony, A.I. and the Nuggs.

That's a solid 12 hours straight of NBA action, and for all you non-fans out there remember that it's the regular season that is meaningless, boring until the last 5 minutes of the game and seemingly never-ending; the playoffs are meaningful, boring until the last 5 minutes of the game and seemingly never-ending.

NHL PLAYOFFS:
1:00- Devils @ Lightning, GM 6 (NY leads, 3-2)
9:00- Red Wings @ Flames, GM 6 (Wings lead, 3-2)

Only two games on tap, which is good because of all the other action, but the two are a couple of good ones.

First the 'Ning will try to stay alive against the Devils in an elimination game down here at the Ice Palace. Martin Brodeur will try to stop Vinny, Marty & the Bolts from advancing to its second Cup final in 3 years, while the Devils are trying to capture its 4th cup in 10 years.

Later tonight the Wings will try and close out their series with the Flames, but as Lightning fans remember from that Cup-winning season, Calgary in April is not a hospitable place to be, and I'm not referring to the weather.

MLB:
Stankees @ Red Sox, 8P ESPN

Of course it's Sunday so every local team is on TV in their local markets, but the one game that really matters today is being played at 8:00 tonight, on an international stage, with the fate of the free world hanging in the balance

Okay, so I may have exaggerated that last part, but tonight's game between the old, bitter rivals marks the introduction of Japanese hurler Daisuke Matsuzaka, or as he's affectionately know in Beantown, Dice-K, to the madhouse that is the Sox/Yankees rivalry.

There will be hundreds on media members at the old ballpark on Yawkey Way tonight, which just celebrated the 95th anniversary of the first game ever played there, and the eyes of two Nations, Japan and Red Sox, will eagerly await the results of Dice-K's first Evil Empire experience.

Oh yeah, Boston is going for a three-game sweep after wiping the Stanks out the first two games.

(For much, much more on this series & game, click to my Sox blog, Curt's Bloody Sock.)

MUST-SEE TV:


9:00: The Sopranos
10:00- Entourage

The two series are running neck and neck so far over the first two episodes for entertainment bang-for-the-buck.

The mob drama is on its last legs, and not because Johnny Sack ordered a hit on anyone before he succumbed to cancer last week. No, there are only 7 more episodes of this landmark series, and creator David Chase is steadily building the foundation for a potentially explosive finale.

Then again he may have Tony retire to St. Pete where he and Carm sit on the beach and sip margaritas all day long while AJ tries to run the family business.

Either way, it's worth watching the ending of one of the most influential TV series of all time.

On the other hand that show's HBO Sunday Night counterpart, Entourage, is just sinking its teeth into the American pop culture landscape. The show became a breakout hit last season, and so far this season has kept it's foot on the gas.

Whether you tune in for Vince's good looks, Ari's raunchy put-downs, Drama's hilarious nuggets of knowledge or Sloan's smoking hot, well, you get the point, this show is a must for those who want to be in on the watercooler talk on Monday.

There you have it, a FULL day of terrific television viewing.
In case you need help with what to watch, what to TiVo and what to PIP, here's my plan:

1:00-4:00- watch Lightning, PIP Wiz/Cavs

4:00-6:00-at the ballfield forLittle League practice (I was kidding about ignoring the kids)

6:00-8:00- watch end of Lakers/Suns, PIP Nugs/Spurs

8:00-11:30 watch Sox pummel Stanks

9:00-10:30- record Sopranos & Entourage

11:30-? *watch end of Wings/Flames, PIP Warriors Mavs (*NHL playoff elimination games always take precedence over NBA GM 1s)

12:00ish- replay Sopranos & Entourage

You're welcome.

Enjoy.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Basketball great Dennis Johnson is dead

Former Boston Celtics guard Dennis Johnson passed away this evening after conducting a practice for his D-League basketball club in Austin, Texas. He was 52.

All reports state that Johnson seemed fine during and immediately after the practice. But while he was standing outside the team's facilities joking over a parking ticket with a team employee he collapsed and never regained consciousness. He was pronounced dead a short time later.


Johnson played in the NBA for 14 seasons, won 3 NBA titles and is considered to be one of the greatest defensive players of all time. After earning the Finals MVP trophy for Seattle in 1979, the man affectionately known as DJ was traded to Phoenix, where he spent three seasons before being traded to Boston in 1983. He was well known for shutting down the best player on the other team, and his handcuffing of Laker great Magic Johnson in the 1984 Finals is the stuff of legend.

Growing up a Celtic fanatic I remember DJ as being the calming influence on those dynastic teams of the '80s. Bird was The Man, McHale was the Second Banana, Chief was smokin' his peace pipes and Ainge was like a pre-neutered pit bull. But DJ was like the cool uncle of the group, always guiding the team with a firm hand, dishing the rock at the appropriate times to the proper superstar or hitting a huge money shot/clamping down on the opponents' hottest hand when necessary. As a fan you just felt more comfortable with DJ on the court, a true mark of a great player.

Interestingly enough DJ had not been elected to the Hall off Fame as of this past year for reasons that have been contemplated by columnists everywhere. This omission comes despite the fact that the man averaged 14 points & 5 assists for his career, made 5-All Star teams, 6-All Defensive first teams and with Bird helped complete one of the most historic basketball plays of all time...

... I can still remember the game like it was, well not yesterday but just a few years ago: Boston vs. the HATED Pistons, 1987 Eastern Conference Finals Game 5. The Celtics trailed 107-106 with just seconds to play. As Isiah Thomas prepared to inbound the ball it appeared as if the C's were headed to Detroit for Game 6 facing a 3-2 deficit. Then The Play happened, and the sound of Johnny Most calling it will echo in the ears of basketball fans for decades to come:

"and there's a steal by Bird...underneath to DJ- he lays it in!"

Bird gets all the credit for the steal, but what would he have done had DJ not come streaking in from mid court and hit the slicing, reverse layup that won the game and propelled the Celts to a hard-fought 7-game win?

That play would mark the beginning of the end for the Celtics dynasty. The previous spring #1 draft pick Len Bias died of a cocaine overdose 2 days after the draft, and after DJ helped Boston advance past Detroit they lost to the Lakers in the '87 Finals; the team has not made it back to the championship since.

In the ensuing years age, malaise and tragedy would combine to derail the Green Machine. Playoff one-&-done appearances became the norm, a coaching carousel produced no "next Auerbach', Bird retired before the '92-'93 season and then beloved guard Reggie Lewis died suddenly in 1993. This season started with the death of the architect, Red Auerbach, and has seen the team lose a franchise-record 18 consecutive games en route to another possible #1 draft pick.

But Celtics fans will always have the great memories, and when it comes to that category DJ was responsible for more than his fare share, including one of the greatest memories of all time.

RIP, DJ. You will be missed, but you will not be forgotten.

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Saturday, February 17, 2007

Will someone please ban Nate Robinson from the dunk contest?

This will be the only trophy the C's hold this year

The NBA Slam Dunk contest continued its swift journey into obscurity Saturday night in Las Vegas when the best dunk of the night was awarded one of the lowest scores and the man who needs 45 tries to complete 1 mediocre dunk almost won the whole thing again.

The Boston Celtics' Gerald Green took home the trophy after making 4 spectacular dunks: from teammate Paul Pierce off the side of the backboard; over fellow participant Nate Robinson while doing a Dee Brown imitation; off Pierce's lob pass from behind the backboard; and finally over a table set up in the middle of the paint for the one-handed winner.
Green beat out last year's winner Robinson; there were numerous fantastic dunks on the night but the little guy who needs a ton of attempts to pull off his stuff managed to get past Dwight Howard for the finals despite Howard nailing one of the best dunks in recent memory.

Howard, the 6"11 wunderkind of the Orlando Magic, had petitioned the league to allow him to dunk on a 12 foot high rim, instead of the usual 10', for his part of the contest. Apparently taking his cue from the No Fun League, commissioner David Stern nixed Howard's plan, using the standard "integrity of the game" bullshit excuse.

Guys this thing is more tired & washed up than Tara Reid. Couldn't you just look the other way this one time, for the good of the event and the benefit of the fans that are still watching, and let Howard attempt to pull off something that has never been done before?

Evidently not. Stern said no, but Howard responded by pulling off a dunk that nobody had ever seen before anyway, just for shits & giggles.

And he still lost.

To a midget who attempts more dunks than a squadron of cops at a donut shop.

Ever since the days of Spud Webb the Association has been obsessed with small guys with big ups. And back in Spud's day (early '80s), seeing a little dude get up near the rim and throw one down was pretty awesome, mainly because it had never been seen before. Now little guys from the local rec to the NBA can jam with regularity, therefore rendering the awesomeness of the feat a little less, well, awesome. Small guys dunking is still cool, but just not the incredible feat of athleticism it was regarded as decades ago.
Nevertheless the NBA has taken this love affair to ridiculous heights the past two years in this contest. Last year 5' 7" Nate Robinson of the Knicks took home the trophy despite needing 647 tries to execute his winning dunk, ironically with the assistance of Mr. Webb, the 1986 champion and only other sub -6' winner.

So what does the league do in light of that yawn-inducing fiasco? They invite Nate back and adjust the rules, allowing the contestants only 2:00 to complete their dunk, plus 2 extra after the time is up (huh?) Ah, okay.

But before Nate would use all of that time (plus the extra 2 dunks) in the final Howard would be robbed on one of the most creative and impressive dunks in the history of the contest. After wowing the crowd with a fierce throwdown from just inside the dotted circle in the first round that only netted a 43 from the panel of Dunk Gods- MJ, Dr. J, Kobe, Vince Carter and 'Nique- his second dunk defied all logic.

It looked innocent enough at first, as Howard swooped in from in front of the rim, took a toss from teammate Jameer Nelson, patted the backboard with one hand and jammed with his opposite hand. A nice dunk at first glance, but upon further review, and with the help of Nelson's tapemeasure & many slo-mo replays, we notice that Howard had placed a sticker, of himself, up on the backboard at a height of 12'6". Take that, Stern!

Way up there is a little sticker of Dwight's smiling face

And the judges gave him a 42.

And that's why the dunk contest sucks.

Little guys who need extra time to complete their dunks are rewarded and advance while big guys who come up with original ideas are denied and robbed of the chance of living the event up.

Maybe Stern should have let Tim Hardaway enter.

In other All Star Saturday night news Jason Kapono won the 3-point contest, compiling a near-record 24 points in the final to defeat Crazy Gilbert Arenas, and Dwayane Wade won his second-consecutive Skills Challenge title, besting Kobe. Also Charles Barkley beat referee Dick Bavetta in a foot race up and down the court, and a team made up of Bill Laimbeer, Chauncey Billups ans some WNBA chick beat the trio of Scottie Pippen, Ben Gordon, and another WNBA chick in the Shooting Stars competition when Pippen's team was DQ'd for shooting out of turn.

I did not make that up. At least that's what my son told me happened. I feel asleep on the couch after spending 6 hours at the Little League field today.

Well I'm off to the Outback Champions Tour Pro Am tomorrow to catch Bill Murray in person, then maybe I'll have enough energy to watch the All Star Game tomorrow night.

I just hope none of the players get arrested or worse in Sin City tonight.

But I know that Dwight Howard already got robbed.

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Friday, February 16, 2007

A night of basketball beatdowns

I just got through watching the NBA's two-headed monster known as the All Star Celebrity Game and the T*Mobile Rookie Challenge and Youth Jam (actual name.) And I think I need medical attention.

Why would I expose myself to 4 hours worth of such defense-free, airball & brick-filled video game level trash? Two reasons:
1.) I have a blog now and it's fun to watch shit like this just to rip it later
2.) My son, whom you'll remember just turned 10, loves this stuff

And what 10-year old kid wouldn't love watching young stars like Nick Cannon, (No More Lil) Bow Wow, Reggie Bush, and LaDanian Crybaby Tomlinson? Unfortunately that meant Dad had to endure watching C-listers like James Denton ("Desperate Housewives"), Jonathan My Career Ended Before it Started Silverman, David Mr. Cox Arquette, not to mention real losers like Carrot Top, Chris Tucker and Jamie Kennedy. Plus one of the coaches was Greg I'll Have Another Anthony and the whole mess was emceed by Stu Left Eye Scott. Oh yeah, and Food Channel great Bobby Flay was on the roster as well. Seriously.

Honest to God I though the wife had slipped me a Peter Pan & jam sandwich because it was like I had passed on and entered purgatory.

Did I mention Vegas dinosaur Wayne Newton was an honorary captain? If Celine Dion had sung the anthem my heart would have exploded on the spot.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

As the "action" progressed the score was like 10-3 West after one quarter and the East looked as bad as Britney Spears after a 3-day bender: airballs, turnovers and enough bricks to please a Colombian cartel leader. Things didn't get much better for the east as Bow Wow scored 6 quick points, blocked a couple of shots, and generally looked like the only one who knew what he was doing out there.

But some guy named Tony Potts , who is a weekend co-anchor on Access Hollywood, stole the show. You know, that Tony Potts. Whoever he is this guy came to play. He was all over the place all night and earned the coveted MVP trophy for his monster 14-point, 8-rebound effort in the West's "impressive" 40-21 victory, a fact that really seemed to aggravate Stu-ya, who was slurping Bow Wow big time by practically asking Potts to give the trophy to him. Potts wouldn't budge, though, and the guy did inspire some of the most entertainment in this otherwise sad night.

We can't believe you won it either, dude

The game was so bad that my son & I played a game of NBA 2K7 on the 360 in the middle of it just to pass the time (even he was appalled at the display being presented to us- numerous times he shouted at the TV "I could've made that shot"- and he was right). Unfortunately I got my ass handed to me in that game just like the East as my son used his new favorite 2K7 team (the Rockets), and his new 3-point weapon (Luther Head) to drub my Magic by 27. Suddenly I felt like David Arquette to his Tony Potts.

Next up was the Rookie/Sophomore game, possibly the only game on the planet where there is less defense played than in the NBA All Star game & the Pro Bowl combined. These kids (and most of them are just that) played such "ole" defense in this thing that thirteen guys scored in double figures, 4 players had over 20 points and one, David Lee of the Knicks, went for 30 on 14-14 shooting; Lee continued the Year of the Gator (not counting Grossman)by earning the MVP award.

The score was 77- 48 Sophs at the half as Lee got off to a smokin' hot 8-8 start on a steady dose of alley oops, layups and walk in baskets. It got to the point he was so money that I said to Drew "this guy is hotter than what's-his-name-Potts." For some reason that set my son & I on a laughing jag for about the next 5 minutes. It was that kind of night. For the rest of the night we kept injecting the phrase "What's His Name Potts" into the game, for instance "get the ball to What's His Name Potts", or "Chris Paul is giving What's His Name Potts a run for the MVP trophy"...

In hindsight I guess it was one of those 'you had to be there' type things.

Anyway the Sophs annihilated the Frosh, 155- 114, and not only did Lee go for 30 & 11 but Chris Paul nearly had a triple-double (16 pts, 17 ass, 9 stls) and little-known Monta Ellis of the Warriors threw down 28, most of them on nasty alley-oops from Paul. The kids were led by littler-known Paul Millsap of the Jazz and Rudy Gay of the Grizz, who both had 22 points.

All in all it was a night of terrifically bad basketball by many involved including the East celebs, the Freshmen stars and my 2K7 Magic team.

At least What's His Name Potts had a nice night.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm not gay; I read the S.I. Swimsuit Edition!

Sign #4,286 that I am getting older: I received my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition today and here I am blogging about it instead of running to my bedroom and...leafing through it , if you catch my drift.

For reasons that are being pondered throughout the blogosphere, Dreamgirls star and insecure music diva Beyonce is on the cover. Okay. I know Jay Z's arm candy is smokin hot, talented and cover girl worthy, but really, the cover girl for the iconic, legendary, career-defining (for supermodels) Swimsuit Issue? And it just so happens that she is wearing her own self-designed suits? This is just a disgusting example of crossover money grubbing; Beyonce's in it to sell her suits (and out-cover arch rival Jennifer Hudson) while SI is trying to sell more swimsuit editions.

Whatever happened to using good old fashioned supermodels to sell the immensely popular edition? (Speaking of which, Leo DiCan't Win-O's new squeeze, Bar Rafaeli, is prominently featured in the issue. Wonder how long it'll be before Tom Brady is picking up those leftovers.)

I find an interesting parallel going on as the arrival of this annual sports periodical's foray into skin mag territory happens to coincide with the firestorm raging over the announcement that a former NBA player has come out of the closet.

Ex-Orlando Magic and Utah Jazz forward John Amaechi told the whole world last week that he is homosexual. That means he was what I will refer to as Gay in the NBA. Not that there's anything wrong with that (how much more difficult would it be to talk about these subjects if Seinfeld hadn't come up with that phrase?) Of course ESPN beat the story to death, mainly because they invented the story in the first place, first with a special ESPN the Magazine exclusive complete with excerpts from Amachei's new book "Man in the Middle"(wink wink) and then the requisite 1,000 follow up stories on Sportscenter, Outside the Lines, The Sports Reporters, Around the Horn, PTI, and ESPN.com.

Most people, including current NBA players, interviewed for their responses first replied "who the f**k is John Amaechi?!" Then when their memories were refreshed (marginal NBA player for 6 years, English dude, faded into obscurity quicker than Justin Guarini), most responded with the usual litany of pat answers, ranging from "it wouldn't bother me" if his sexual preference had been revealed while he was still an active player, to "I don't think the world of athletics is ready for an openly gay active player right now." In other words, the usual cliche answers, recycled enough times to fit into easily digestible headlines, stories and bylines.

Then something happened that "shocked" not only the the sports world but spilled over into the realm of the real world: former 5-time NBA All Star Tim Hardaway, at the tail end of an interview with the Miami Herald (and ESPN's) Dan LeB Retard on his Miami radio show, had the audacity to speak his true mind on the subject (a mind that his comments revealed is not filled with many thoughts about social skills or politically correct responses):

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

Oh it's known, Timmy! Now this response was many things, including stupid, short-sighted, spontaneous and foolish. But another way to describe Hardaway's rant is truthful. Sure he came off sounding like a housemate on the Real World but at least his response was brutally, unequivocally, 100% honest. It's what he feels and he let it be known that is how he feels, idiotic or not. Amaechi himself agreed with this assertion when asked about Hardaway's remarks today:

"Finally, someone who is honest," he said. "It is ridiculous, absurd, petty, bigoted and shows a lack of empathy that is gargantuan and unfathomable. But it is honest. And it illustrates the problem better than any of the fuzzy language other people have used so far."

Amen, John. At least the man was letting everyone know where he stood on the subject, unlike the many athletes who give the cliched "it wouldn't bother me" reply but in the locker room he says " there's no way I would ever want to play with no f-ing --------------(fill in homophobic epithet here.) It's truly amazing to me how these guys can be so disgusted about the prospect of being teammates with a gay player yet have no qualms about sharing their locker rooms with drug users, wife beaters, child abusers, gun freaks, sexual deviants and crooks. Fascinating disconnect.

Anyway, how does all of this relate to the SI issue? I'm not really sure. But the emphasis on sexuality in all walks of life, sports included, helps formulate these thoughts of hate and bigotry in many of these athletes. They see Beyonce on the cover of SI and of course they are going to gather around the issue and ohh & ahh. How do you think Amachei must have felt when things like that happened?. Like an outsider, just like society has deemed him. What needs to be done is the commissioners of all leagues hold diversity training sessions (not led by Michael Scott), which NBA commish David Stern promised to look into as he was banishing Hardaway from the All Star weekend festivities, to make sure the athletes know that there will come a time that they will be playing with an openly gay, active player.

And guys like Tim Hardaway need to learn that there really isn't anything wrong with that.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Slump busters: Duke, Celts snap skids

Let me start out by saying Happy Valentine's day to all the ladies and thank God it's over to all the men out there. Nothing like an artificial "holiday" sponsored by Hallmark & Whitman's chocolates to let your significant other know how much you truly love them. And I can't begin to tell you how special this "holiday" is to me coming on the heels of Christmas and the Bermuda Triangle of birthdays (mine, my wife's & my son's are all within the first 10 days of Feb.)

I would also like to tell my snowed-in family members in New York, Boston & Ohio "good luck, hang in there, and don't worry, it'll be warm in like 11-12 weeks."

As a late winter storm pelted the Northeast New England's two major hoop teams hosted games that held great importance for the participants.

Celtics drop Bucks to end 18-game slide, 117-97

The Celtics (13-38) dragged an 18-game losing skid into their game against the lowly Milwaukee Bucks (19-34) at the TD BankNorth Bank Garden Center, and seeing as they embark on a brutal 5-game West Coast trip following this weekend's All Star Game, it was win now or possibly match the all-time consecutive loss record of 24 games.

Luckily for the C's they had two things going for them tonight: Paul Pierce and the Milwaukee Yucks. Pierce returned Sunday from a 24 game absence caused by a foot injury, but despite his 29 points Boston still lost to the T-Wolves on a last-second shot by former teammate Ricky Davis. But the mere presence of Pierce sparked the team in that close road loss and his performance tonight led the team to a slump-busting home blowout against a team that came in at 8-23 on the road; the win also snapped Boston's 12-game home losing streak (I blame the building's idiotic names-call it the friggin' Garden already and be done with it.)

The Celt's captain poured in 32 points on 12-19 shooting, including 5-8 threes, as the Green waxed the Bucks by 20, 117-97. Phenom-in-training Gerald Green chipped in with 21 points in just 20 minutes of action, and 5 Celtics scored in double figures. Boston dished out 26 assists, grabbed 11 steals, blocked 5 shots and only turned the ball over 9 times in what was an impressive all-around team effort. Granted it was against the Bucks, but if ever there was a team in need of a walkover win, this was it.

"We are never going to get the No.1 pick with this guy playing like that!"

Other notable contributions included Al Jefferson's double-double (17 pts, 10 boards); rookie point guard Rajon Rondo's career-high 11 assists (the kid could be the steal of the draft; he's averaging 10 ppg & 7 apg in February); and Where's Wally Sczcerbiak scoring 17 points after sitting out the past 2 games with yet another ailment (sprained ankle.)

AND THE STREAK IS DEAD!

Sadly after the break a new streak could rapidly begin- the first 5 games the C's play after the break are at Sacramento, Phoenix, the Lakers, Utah and Houston. Combined records: 159-100.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blue Devils get back on track, 78-70 over BC

Meanwhile, just about 8 miles away in Chestnut Hill, the 21st ranked Boston College Eagles were playing host to the reeling Duke Blue Devils(19-7), losers of 4 games in a row for the first time since 1995. BC (18-7) stood in a place Duke is used to occupying- atop the ACC with a 9-2 mark- while the Devils' skid had left them in the middle of the ACC pack and sub-.500 at 5-6.

Unlike sparsely-attended game at The Garden, Conte Forum was packed with gold-clad Eagle fans hoping to witness the home team extend the Dukies' run of misery. When the game started out 7-4 in favor of BC and with Duke tossing the ball away as it had many times in the 4 previous losses, it looked like tonight would be more of the same for the most hated college hoop team in America.

But suddenly the Duke offense woke from its slumber and the defense stepped up and began playing D like the standout Duke teams of old. Led by mercurial forward Josh McRoberts (18 pts, 11 rebs) the Devils quickly tied the contest at 9, and the teams traded scores for a while until Duke took control of the contest right before the half. That's when their suffocating defense and dominating paint play turned a 29-29 game into an 11-point halftime lead, 43-32, with most of the damage being done by McRoberts; the enigmatic big man nearly had a double-double at the break (12 pts, 8 rebs), and his post presence could not be matched by the helpless Eagle team.

I've said all along that what Duke needed to be successful was to get McRoberts off the perimeter, where he loves to set up and control the offense like a point forward but he is useless as a serious rebounder/post player. Evidently Coach K must have said the same thing to him after the their blowout loss at Maryland Sunday because McRoberts was living in the paint, capitalizing on BC turnovers and his teammates' precision passes to hit an array of layups and dunks. While he was doing his damage the Duke defense was holding Eagles star forward Jared Sean Paul Dudley to just 2 points in the half; he came in averaging an ACC-best 20 ppg (he finished with 11.)

The Devils combined their 18-5 run to close the first half with a 22-9 run to open the second and the lead quickly ballooned to 22 points, 65-43 with just under 13:00 to go in the game. It was reminiscent of many Duke games, from the easy baskets to the numerous steals (Duke had 10 steals and forced 19 turnovers resulting in 49 points) to the defeated attitude of their opponent. Even the announcers, Dukie V and Mike Patrick, kept commenting how it looked as if the Eagles were giving up on plays and not putting forth their best effort.

But something happened on the way to blowout city- the Devils went conservative with about 8:00 to play, trying to milk the clock because they wanted the win so badly, that they let BC right back in the game. The healthy lead was cut to a scary 8 points, 74-66, with just 3 minutes left to play and all Duke fans could think was "if they blow this game the season is shot." But a couple of key plays late, including a terrific slashing, Grant Hill-like layup from Gerald Henderson and a clutch 3-pointer from Greg Paulus (15 pts, 7 ass, 3 stls) kept the Eagles at bay and the Dukies snapped their mini-streak at four games.

So everything is over- the Celtics losing streak, the Blue Devil's losing streak, Valentine's Day.

Well, not everything is finished; looks like there will be plenty more of the uglier-by-the-minute Anna Nicole saga and also snow.

Good luck, Northerners. It was a balmy 75 again here today (not to rub it in or anything.)

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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Duke & the Celtics: 2 teams coming apart at the seams

-Celtics drop 18th straight, 107-105 to Minnesota


My favorite NBA and college team are both currently in the middle of major losing streaks that have tarnished their images, depressed their fans and elated the haters of the storied programs.

The Boston Celtics losing streak has now reached 18 games and all I can think of is it's a damn good thing Red isn't around to witness the ugliness taking place on Causeway Street these days.

Although the team has been competitive during The Streak (yes, it's reached capital letter status), this loss was the tightest and toughest to take of the previous 17. That's because Boston not only lead the game late, 105-101 with 3:20 to go and 107-105 with 1:17 left, but threw it away down the stretch and lost on a game-winning shot by none other than ex-Celt Ricky Davis.

Davis hasn't met an NBA team willing to put up with his me-first ways for too long since he entered the league 9 seasons ago, but he played more games with Boston (181) than he's played with any other team in his career. Still he was shipped to Minny along with Mark Blount for Where's Wally Szczerbiak and Michael made of Olowokandi midway through last season.

Wouldn't you know that Davis & Blount, along with KG (26pts, 11 rebs, 10 assists), would add to Boston's misery by defeating their former team. Davis had 28 points on 11-17 shooting, including three 3-pointers in an 18-point 3rd quarter output, and also con-tributed 5 rebounds and 5 assists. Blount, a player who always over-valued himself in Boston which contributed to their willingness to let him go, threw in 20 points and 5 boards.

The only positive for Boston (12-38), other than playing hard and nearly winning the game, was Paul Pierce scoring 29 points in his second game back after missing 24 games with a foot injury. His leadership, ability to make 4th quarter shots, and confidence should help the C's end this streak soon. The next opportunity to stop the madness will be Wednesday at home against the equally horrid Milwaukee Bucks (19-32); if Boston can't come up with a win in that one coach Doc Rivers will have the unique dis-tinction of owning two 19-game losing streaks in his coaching career, the first coming in 2002-03 with Orlando, and the Celtics might be a lock to have one of the top two spots in the draft.

That might be the best news to hit the Celts in years.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
#16 Blue Devils lose 4 in a row for the first time in 11 years, 72-60 to Maryland
Meanwhile down in Durham, NC, Duke is having its worst season since 1994-95, the infamous campaign when Coach K missed most of the season due to back surgery and the team was led by senior Cherokee Parks. Dark days indeed.

Like the Celts the Devils have been losing while remaining compet-itive; their past 3 losses were by 2, 1 and most recently 6 points to the Tarheels last Wed-nesday (happy birthday to me-hah!) But this time the loss was by blowout, the largest margin of defeat for the Devils since a January 2003 14-point loss to Wake, and it wasn't like it was against a powerhouse team; Maryland was 17-7 coming in, 3-6 in the ACC.

Duke jumped out to a quick 5-0 lead on a jumper & 3-pointer by Greg Paulus (14 pts, 4 ass, 7 TOs) but saw that slim margin oblit-erated by a 19-2 Terrapin run, during which Duke missed 7 of 8 shots and committed 7 turnovers. After Paulus stopped the bleed-ing (temporarily) with another jumper, Maryland ripped off a 10-point run for a 29-9 lead with just under 9:00 to go in the first half. Wow. Not exactly textbook Duke basketball.

The Devils would scrape back and get within six, 58-52, with 8:00 left in the game, but a 10-2 spurt over the next 5 minutes effect-ively iced the game and dropped the Devils (18-7) to sub-.500 in the ACC at 5-6. Now the Dukies face not only missing the ACC tour-nament but possibly the Big Dance as well, unfathomable just 2 weeks ago when they sported an 18-3 record and #10 national ranking.

If the Devils want to right the ship- and with remaining games at BC, Clemson and UNC they'd better do it quick- they have to start playing better team bas-ketball and better team defense. Their main problem has been that the two "veteran" sophomore leaders, Paulus and Josh McRoberts (20 pts, 8 rebs), have been incon-sistent and too passive in making sure the Duke machine stays well -oiled. That means banging the boards, which McRoberts can't do from his favorite spot 19 feet away from the basket, and take care of the ball, which Paulus obviously isn't doing as evidenced by his paltry 1.29 assist/turnover ratio. As a result the Devils had only 9 assists tonight to go with 17 turnovers; during the streak they have 40 helpers and 61 giveaways. Yikes.

Although freshmen Jon Scheyer (a.k.a. the New JJ Redick), Ger-ald Henderson, Jr. and Lance Thomas have shown flashes of brilliance, it's up to the two super sophs to help scoring leader De-Marcus Nelson show the kids the way. Last season I said many times that when Paulus and McRoberts were out of the shadows of JJ and Shelden Williams they were going to dominate the league. Instead they have been the poster boys for mediocrity and under-achievement. To paraphrase the great former Celtics coach Rick Pitino, JJ Redick isn't walking back into Cameron Indoor, and neither is The Landlord. It's time to put those McDonald's All America skills to use, fellas, or you can kiss the season goodbye.

Until they do the only place this team may be going is to the Big Apple for the NIT.

**UPDATE**
With the loss the Blue Devils dropped out of the ESPN/USA Today coaches poll for the first time in its 10-year history and out of the AP top 25 for the first time in 200 weeks, stretching back to the end of the '95-'96 season, the second-longest streak in history (UCLA.)

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...


..the NHL All Star Game is tonight!

No shit, I hadn't even realized the season had started and it's already at the midway point.

Don't laugh, you know you had no idea either.

I guess I've been so caught up with Bowl season, NFL playoffs and awards shows/nominations that I forgot the NHL was even back in action after its laughably debilitating work stoppage.

How far has the sport fallen since that ill-fated strike of 2004-05? The marquee event showcasing the league's talent is being held on a Wednesday night on a lowly cable channel called Versus, form-erly known as the Nashville Network and Spike TV, and Outdoor Life Network.

I'm not making this up.

The league announced the unveiling of new uniforms the other day and it barely registered as a blip in the sports universe. Had the NFL tried this ESPN would have devoted an hour-long special to the news. My knowledge of players in the NHL right now consists of Martin St. Louis, Vinny Lecavalier, and wunderkids Alex-ander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby. That's it.

Does anyone else play?

If that's not bad enough I barely remembered the NBA season was underway until the MSG brawl & Iverson trade.

How bad are things in David Stern's league? A marquee player accused his wife of spousal abuse; another Atlanta player was fined for pulling a "Vick" on the fans while a ref was reprimanded for hurling ob-scenities at a fan; MJ's former bitch threw a cake at a bystander; and not just one but two star players were punished for attempt-ing to throw punches last week.

Oh yeah, a bunch of superstars are hurt (Wade, Shaq, Jeffer-son, Pierce, Chris Paul, Yao, Rashard Lewis) and last year's draft hasn't exactly produced a bumper crop of future league MVPs, has it ?

Plus the commish decided to switch back to the old ball after players complained of the new ball just as players were getting used to the new ball.

And they wonder why they have an image problem?

BTW, has college hoops started yet? I have yet to see a highlight of a superstar Player of the Year candidate or a lock Final 4 team.

Okay so I lied a little on that last one. I saw the highlights of that 3-OT Texas/Ok St thriller last week (wish I had caught the game), and I realize that the Longhorns' Kevin Durant and Ohio State's giant shot blocker Greg Oden are dominant forces in their first (and only) seasons on campus. I also saw where Boston College coach Al Skinner had the balls to toss his team's postseason aspirations right out the window...

...but where have all the good stories gone? Duke is reloading (they've got a kiddie corps going on in Durham) so everyone doesn't hate them enough, Redick is gone so Public Enemy # 1 has left the sport, the Gators returned all 5 starters from the National Championship team and are about as exciting as an episode of "Hogan Knows Best" and there is not one clear-cut unbeat-able team in all the land.

So where am I going with all this? Merely pointing out that foot-ball, both college and pro, and baseball are the only two sports that matter anymore, and if I were to pick a distant third it would probably be auto racing/NASCAR.

Now that my Pats have been knocked out and my football season has officially ended all I can say is:

35 days until the first spring training game.


That's my state of the sports nation. Thank You all.

I'm going to check out the skills competition.

If I can locate Versus on my cable dial.

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

A dizzying day of pertinent stories

So I get back from the last supper with the in-laws before they head back to Cincy at the lavish Macaroni Grill (a chain in desperate need of a name change) and I click on my usual sites to get up-to-date with what's happening in the world (feel free to peruse my links list.)

I see story after story that catches my eye and causes me to click on the headline. Freaky things are happening in all corners of the sports and entertainment worlds- what the hell has been going on since I've been tied up in family land?- so I thought I'd better take note of them by category just to keep things straight as some of the events seem to be overlapping each other.

The list is pretty extensive, but since I've hardly posted this week I figured I have a lot of time to make up for.

Plus there are no bowl games tonight for the first time since around Thanksgiving.

Celebrity/Athlete Police Blotter
-Noted sportscaster and insufferable know-it-all Jim Lampley was arrested for domestic violence and violating a restraining order after tossing his girlfriend around her apartment Wednesday night.

The 57-year-old long-time HBO boxing announcer and voice of the Olympics has been accused of getting extremely drunk & high at girlfriend Candice Sanders' apartment and then becoming so enraged that her threw her around the place before speeding off with his 14-year-old son. Amazing.

This is the same guy who chastised listeners of Jim Rome's radio program of being too stupid to realize that the new millennium did not begin in 2000 but in 2001 and who always comes off as an uppity, smarmy, condescending cad.

Guess he's just a raging alcoholic pothead like the rest of the clones.

-Denver police locate vehicle thought to be used in Darrent Williams' shooting death
Four days after the Denver Broncos cornerback was gunned down in his limo on a busy Denver street the police have found the SUV believed to be involved in the incident.

The 1998 Chevy Tahoe is reported to be owned by a man who was in jail at the time of the slaying, but obviously police are hoping he will know who was using his vehicle while he was incarcerated. The man is thought to have ties to powerful gangs, possibly the notorious Crips.

The SUV was parked on a street south of the Denver airport in a remote stretch of an industrial area. It had evidently been partially spray painted black to cover the natural white paint job in an obvious attempt to camouflage the sought-after vehicle for as long as possible.

Hopefully the discovery of the potential getaway car will lead police to some CSI-style clues that will allow the authorities to catch the dickheads who committed this senseless crime.

-Suspect caught in fatal stabbings at Chris Chelios' Detroit bar
In another wild story right out of the plot of a bad ESPN series two employees at Detroit Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios' bar were stabbed to death by a disgruntled former employee on Tuesday.

The 44-year old veteran of 22 NHL season co-owns the establishment, known as Chelli's Chili Bar, located right next to Comerica Park in downtown D-Town. The employees were in the building preparing for their work day when police say a 17-year-old former busboy came in and stabbed the manager, Megan Soroka and a cook, Mark Barnard, before fleeing.

Police say Justin Blackshere, who had been fired about 2 weeks ago, has confessed to the killings and also of robbing the safe. Chelios has said that he was on the phone with Cook, whom he called a dear friend and respected employee, when she had to hang up to investigate a disturbance.

This was just another senseless, tragic act that occurs in our world every day, but because this time it just happened to cross over into the high-profile world of sports it gets more recognition than the hundreds of other stories just like it.

Other recent high-profile arrestees include bloated rapper Busta Rhymes (busting up his driver in a dispute over money)...Detroit Lions offensive lineman Ross Verba (passing bad checks?!)...imbecilic rapist Mike Tyson (D.U.I.-N.C.-driving under the influence of nose candy)...so-called actor/model/nobody Tyrese was not arrested but could be shortly for punching his pregnant girlfriend in the arm and thigh Thursday morning...and this just in, Padres pitcher Jake Peavy was just busted at the Mobile, Al. airport for requesting that a police officer give him a ticket for illegally parking outside the terminal...

We now return to our regular programming.

Football News:
Another NFL coach on the way out- Cowher to step down after 15 seasons in Pittsburgh
I guess the Bus was right after all.

Steelers coach Bill Cowher will confirm Friday what retired Steeler great Jerome Bettis told everyone before this post-Super Bowl season began- that the coach known for his chin, spittle, and gritty attitude will step away from the Steel City after 15 years on the sidelines.

A news conference is scheduled for 1:00 pm but Cowher reportedly already informed his coaching staff of his decision to walk away from the NFL in order to spend more time with his family at their home in Raleigh, North Carolina.

After leading the Steelers to their first NFL championship since 1980 and compiling a record of 140-90-1 the disappointment and grind of trying to repeat as champion just got to be overbearing for the success-driven leader, who conceded that he thought about hanging it up right after the Bowl win.

This season the Steelers finished 8-8, only Cowher's 4th non-winning campaign during his tenure, and the team faced numerous on & off field distractions which played against them all year: the motorcycle accident and appendicitis of starting QB Ben Roethlisberger; the retirement of Bettis, the NFL's 5th all-time leading rusher, seriously hindered the run-dominant offense; injuries to key players like Hines Ward, Roethlisberger, and Troy Palumalu; and embarrassing losses to Jacksonville (9-0), Baltimore twice by a combined 58-7, and the lowly Raiders (20-13.)

Now the Steelers will be on the hunt for a coach for the first time in 15 years and they need only look in house, as assistants Russ Grimm and Ken Whisenhunt are already hot candidates to become head coaches elsewhere. Meanwhile The Chin will take a year off, "be with his family", i.e. do some TV to keep his name in the loop, then land a prime new gig a year from now, when the Coaching Carousel is sure to have a fresh round of casualties.

-Grossman tells reporters what everyone knew long ago: he went on the field unprepared to play
When Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman admitted on Thursday that he was "not giving 100%" while preparing to play Green Bay in the season finale because he knew he wasn't going to play much he may have been more prophetic than he thought.

His inattention to the task at hand-preparing for the playoffs and improving on his horrendous TD/INT ratio- resulted in an atrocious 2-12, 33 yard, 3 interception outing and may eventually lead to him being benched.

This clown had the nerve to say that because it was the last game, and New Years Eve, he wasn't as focused as he should have been for the contest that the Packers ended up winning 26-7. How can he not be focused? People in the Windy City have been screaming for his head on a platter after his umpteenth 3 interception game of the season and clamoring for backup Brian Griese to take the snaps as the starter and he can't get prepared to do his JOB because he's worried about watching the freaking ball drop?!

Hey I-N-T-Rex, get your head out of your ass before your team is bounced from the playoffs and you end up working in fellow Gator bust Danny Wuerffel's soup kitchen!

NBA News:
Heat coach Pat Riley to take "leave of absence" due to knee, hip injuries
It looks like Shaq isn't the only broken down old man on the Heat roster. Head coach Pat Riley informed the team and media yesterday that he will be taking an immediate & indefinite leave of absence to have surgery on his degenerative hip and knee but will rejoin the team whenever his rehab allows him to do so.

For now the defending champs will be coached by none other than Ron Rothstein, who was the first coach in the history of the franchise. But with the team in disarray, players being suspended (Antoine Walker has been benched for failure to meet conditioning goals-there's a shocker) and Wade & Shaq laboring with nagging injuries, why should the Hall of Fame coach even bother to come back?

After all, he got his way: he ousted Stan not the man Van Gumby in the middle of the season last year and got credited for his 5th NBA title, now he can rest his hip & knee sipping limoncellos on South Beach while the team sinks back into South Florida obscurity with the Marlins & Dolphins. Brilliant!

-Jordan's wife files for divorce again- but this time, she means it
His Airness and his Mrs. are getting divorced after 17 years of marriage presumably because of MJ's proclivity for his mistresses.

A week after reports circulated that Jordan was trying to sway some luscious honey to come to a party for Derek Jeter while he was dining in New York with Charles Oakley Juanita called it quits for good. The couple had previously split up in 2002 but Juanita withdrew that request (cha-ching!) Jordan also had a long term relationship with another woman disclosed when the woman sued him for paternity.

I mean how many years of putting up with an adulterer can a woman take before the money becomes just not good enough?

Evidently the answer to that question is 17.

Baseball Hot Stove Update:
The Unit set to take his dirty 'do and nasty 'tude back to the desert of Arizona
The New York Stankees are about to send disgruntled human and freakish pitcher Randy Johnson back to where he came from- no, not the planet Uranus, the Arizona Diamondbacks.

The mating of a 6'11" asshole with a city that hates dickheads unless they are members of the family was a match made in hell, beginning with Unit's infamous "get away from me" tirade against a reporter on the street as he was heading to his first Stankee press conference and ending with his failure to win even one big game for the pinstripes. Johnson finished an unspectacular 34-19 regular season record in the Bronx, but it was his 0-1, 6.92 mark in three postseason appearances that left a bad taste in the fans' mouths.

The move paves the way for Roidger Clemens to return to New York to be with his BFF Andy Pettitte, but let's face it, the reason Randy was let go was because he didn't do what former running mate Curt Schilling did for the hated Red Sox- bring a world championship with him.

Former Sox get new homes
On the same front Doug Ball Stealer Mientkiewicz signed a one-year deal to join the Evil Empire; if that's not a match made in heaven I don't know what is: the man who tried to steal the baseball from the final out of the 2004 Series and whom all of Red Sox Nation hates joining the team we all LOVE to hate.

Wonder if he'll locker next to Judas Demon?

Other former Sox to sign elsewhere include second baseman Mark Can't Buy Me love Loretta who will agree to a deal with the Astros, and Keith the Burger King Foulke, who signed a one-year deal with the Indians for $5 million.

Two things of note here: why Loretta can't seem to find a home when two years ago he was considered one of the best second sackers in the game is a mystery worthy of a Court TV special; and how can a washed up, broken down loser like Foulke get a deal for that much money from an organization with playoff aspirations?

Oh yeah, Fausto Carmona.

That's all I got. I'm gonna go buy a police scanner ao I can keep up on the rest of the stories.

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