Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Athlete Police Blotter

The sports ticker has been flooded today with stories involving athletes in various stages of legal trouble. Therefore, due to my contractual obligation to report on all the scummy goings on with our sports icons, I bring you the latest installment of...

Law & Order: Special Athletic Division

-The Super Bowl may have ended weeks ago but MVP candidate Dominic Rhodes evidently is not done partying. Rhodes joined the Athlete DUI Club when Indy Staties pulled him over for driving 81 in a 55-mph zone. At 3 am. In a Dodge truck. Oh yeah, he's a free agent as of Feb 28th. He attempted to use the excuse "I'm going to Disney World" but the cops didn't buy it.

-Speaking of the club DUI Hall of Famer Koren Robinson has been ordered to spend 90 days in jail as a result of his latest arrest for evading police last August. The oft-troubled Packers wide receiver has been arrested so many times over the past 6 years that there are rumors he might replace Tweener on Prison Break.

-Speaking of trouble-prone NFL players Pac Man Jones finds himself at the center of another legal controversy, and this one is a doozy. He and members of his posse are being questioned in a shooting incident at a post- NBA All Star game party at Vegas strip club Minxx. Stories are pouring in speculating about what happened, such as free-flowing cash from rapper Nelly caused an all-out riot, but let's not jump to conclusions just yet. Let's all assume Jones is guilty before letting him off on this one.

-Gonzaga star Josh Heytvelt has been charged with felony drug possession stemming from his bust for possession of controlled substances i.e. hallucinogenic mushrooms. The 6'11" sophomore forward has been suspended from the team since he was busted along with a teammate Feb 9th when cops pulled over his car and found the shrooms in a gym bag. The suspension is actually convenient, though, because it allows Josh to work on the new MTV athlete reality show, Shroom-n-Days.

-Fellow NCAA baller Jamar Smith of Illinois will be charged with felony DUI after an accident on Monday night left him and his passenger, teammate Brian Carlwell, injured. According to ESPN.com Smith, a sophomore guard averaging 8 PPG, good for 4th on the team, had been drinking tequila & beer before driving his busted old Lexus into a tree. That sound you hear? It's the Illini bubble bursting.

- But the strangest cases of all has to be that of Atlanta Falcons defensive lineman Justin Babineaux, who was arrested and charged with animal cruelty resulting in the death of his girlfriend's dog. I have nothing here- this is just a sick story either way you look at it.

Other weird news comes from the gastric bypass surgery of former Pats coordinator & current Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis. The malpractice case was declared a mistrial a day before it was set to go to the jury when one of the jurors passed out in the courtroom. Listening to arguments surrounding the condition of Weis' intestines is thought to be the cause of the suspicious ailment.

As many of you may know that ratings juggernaut known as American Karaoke invades living rooms across America for three nights this week, which means I will be holed up in my office until Friday.

Look forward to many more posts.

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