Wednesday, August 23, 2006

They boldly went where no comics had gone before...


Like I said on Sunday, my DVR was smoking from overuse, but I'm sure glad one of the shows burning up the hard drive was the Shatner Roast- it was freakin' hilarious television. Not only did Captain James T. Priceline get skewered by the cast of relatively unknown comics, but they turned their weapons on each other for some gut-splitting, RAUNCHY one liners that left everyone shocked and awed. Many of these were aimed at Takei's & Dick's homosexual leanings.

The lineup went like this:

-Emcee Costanza was okay (although a tad hefty), and he got off a couple of decent lines, such as this gem in the intro: "Heather Locklear wanted to come tonight, but she's dating David Spade, so she may never come again"- rimshot, please. But it wasn't his jokes that made the evening better, it was the fact that he was the butt of so many others.

-Greg Giraldo This guy is like Ben Affleck meets Dane Cook, only funny. He was out first, and he ripped off some classics:
*On JA : " Jason, the only time you're funny these days is on a re-run...your shows disappeared faster than a bowl of Percoset at Farrah Fawcett's've been in more turds than Andy Dick's penis...

*On the three older female panelists: "Nichelle Nichols, Betty White, Farrah Fawcett- I'll take 'women I would've masturbated to 30 years ago for $1000, Alex""

*On Shatner: " Bill you're not just brilliant & old & fat, you're an inspiration- you proved that having no talent can be seen as hip and ironic; you overact more than Betty White's bladder"

-Betty White Yes she's in her '80s but still kicks ass, and she proved no "golden" oldie thanks to some of these zingers:

*On JA: "Oh Jason you are such a know I was expecting you to be just dreadful; in all fairness I was basing that on everything you'd ever done"

* On Artie Lang: "It always makes me laugh when I see Artie Lang on stage, knowing I'm gonna outlive him"

" know I've been a huge Trekie...that's why I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle and George Takei here tonight, cause let's face it- we all know Shatner's nuts, but George has actually tasted them"

*"I feel a special connection to you Farrah- I'm in my 80's and that was the last decade you mattered"

-Jeffrey Ross Normally he's the host of these things, so he wasn't at his best ("Captain Kirk to Cap'n Crunch"-weak), but he too had his choice lines:

*On JA: "you clearly come from the planet 'trying too hard' sing, you dance, you act, you do everything but make people laugh"

*On Andy Dick (who was everybody's favorite "whipping boy" for his homosexual tendencies)
"After last year's (Pam Anderson) roast Andy Dick kissed my girlfriend's hand;40 minutes later she was dead...Andy Dick's sole mission in life is to give AIDS back to the monkeys"

And this was the throwaway line of the night: "Speaking of Shatner, I think Betty White just shat'ner pants"

- Artie Lange Howard Stern's sidekick looks more like a sidecar, and evidently drinks like a fish, but still managed to join the fray, mainly with homophobic humor.

* On Pollack: "...he does every hacky impression in the world; you're not gonna see him again unless Comedy Central roasts Peter Falk

* On Shatner: "...I was never a Star Trek fan. When I was a kid I had weird interests like football, baseball, chasing p***y...Bill and I have a lot in common- Bill was on TJ Hooker and I once banged a hooker named TJ...Shatner's responsible for more peole not getting laid than impotence"

At this point a ditzy, ragged- looking Farrah came on stage and attempted to do some jokes, but just managed to mumble and look silly. Almost a carbon copy of her Letterman appearance, only instead of shocking it was just tired. She did manage to spit out one decent line to Shatner: "we have one thing in common- we both f***ed Lee Majors" as Shat stared incredulously.
Then Andy Dick did a skit in a Star Trek uni about him being the illegitimate son of Kirk and Spock, named Kok. And he wonder why they make fun of him?

- Patton Oswalt He made the mistake of making a comment about Andy Dick licking a roller skate and he felt bad for the roller skate; well that set Dick off on a licking spree, which was PAINFUL to watch, and he started with Oswalt who then waved at his zipper and said "see you in ten years erections"

* On Kevin Pollack: "Cable Ace nominee Kevin Pollack ladies & gentleman...former host of Celebrity Poker- how the f**k do you get fired from a job where all you have to do is say "nice fold Coolio?"

*To Shatner: "...this means a lot to me; I'm gonna go now, but before I leave just settle a bet for me and my friends: (pulls out a brown paper bag)- could you act your way out of this for me really quick?

-Mr Sulu (George Takei) Most of his humor was centered on his homo-sexuality, so I'm not gonna go too deep into his material, but he did have one of the best lines of the night:

*To Shater: " named is George "Ta-kay", not "Tak-eye" as you've insisted on mispronouncing it for the last 40 years; remember Takay, like toupee...all night long I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky, messy clump of fur- Farrah, please close you legs; at least Betty White had the decency to shave!

-Lisa Lampanelli Previously unheard of (by me), this big, brassy broad was the butt of jokes all night for her, um, large features and tendency to prefer men of color. But when she took the stage, she shot right back with these beauts:

*On BW: "...Betty White is so old on her first gameshow the grand prize was fire"

*On Shatner: " does anyone that mediocre get to be in that many movies; seriously, Kevin Pollack, how does that happen? Speaking of things that blow, Hi Andy Dick...Mr. Shatner starred in some amazing television shows- TJ Hooker was not one of them- what a piece of crap; I tried to TiVo TJ Hooker but my TiVo suggested I punch myself in the...

And on that note, my wrap-up of the Shatner Roast wraps up. Of course reading the jokes don't do them justice, and these were the cleanest ones! So if you want to see them yourself, click the title link to see the re-air dates and times.

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